I Got No Eyelids

Lockstep Mosh Pit of Gloom

Well, heck. The response to a possible Russian full-scale invasion of Ukraine has been truly remarkable, and the reporting quite bizarre. We’re laughing in Semyhory, and the gratitude is boundless.

Monday morning began with Ukraine’s new Defense Minister Oleksiy Reznikov proposing to tip Putin’s cost/benefit ratio analysis by stationing flag-waving Canadian, British and American soldiers in eastern and southern areas of the country that Russia might attack first.

The response of Canada’s Chief of Defence Staff General Wayne Eyre was swift and unequivocal: No. Are you fucking crazy? On the record, he added, “In a case like this, diplomacy has to lead.”

That anyone anywhere is so stupid as to take Reznikov’s suggestion seriously is a cause for concern. Rounding up and sending members of Ukraine’s fifth column, including all members of parliament’s Opposition Bloc - For Life faction, to front-line positions is a much better idea.

A second report by Henry Foy, the Moscow-based journalist who gained notoriety in July 2019 for fellating Russian President Vladimir Putin, decorated the front page of Financial Times.

Articles also appeared over the weekend in The Washington Post and Bild, citing anonymous U.S. intelligence sources, who say up to 100 Russian battalion tactical groups and 175,000 Russian soldiers might mount a massive military invasion of Ukraine in early 2022.

His smooth-shaven cheeks flecked with the semen of hideous and powerful men, Axios columnist Jonathan Swan, a harmless, affable bumpkin known for his near-creepy fixation with Ukraine’s moron president, chimes in:

As far as I can tell, after almost eight years of unremitting Russia attacks, there is very little panic in Ukraine, and certainly none in Semyhory. This irks Jonathan, who seeks to inject an admittedly tiny but nonetheless palpable droplet of alarm to the clear waters of our imagination.